Peace, Love and Happiness

Quite a change eh?

The last few months have brought a change in our relationship. We both started counseling (granted, I only went twice, but I feel okay with that) and he is continuing counseling. We enjoy each other's company now, we enjoy spending time together, we laugh. We quit fighting. The one thing I learned in therapy was that what we experienced with the addition of a child and the change in relationship - every relationship goes through it. It's not just us. It's just that not everyone talks about it. I took some comfort in that.

My husband is working out his issues. He says sometimes it's tough and he doesn't want to answer the questions he's asked, but it's also helping him put the past behind him and move to the future. I'm so proud of him for stepping up and doing what needed to be done to save us, him and our marriage.

I'm hopeful for our future and for us. I'm glad I never gave up on us. So hopefully with this entry - I'm done with this blog.

A letter to my husband (that won't be sent)

I don’t know if writing a letter is silly or not. Sometimes I think it’s a better way to communicate so there can be no question about tone. I don’t know if it’s okay to tell you how the last few months have affected me. Is it fair? Do you even have the capacity to care right now? Do you even realize?

And before you even think it, I’m not blaming you for everything. At all. I know I haven’t handled everything in the right way. But I don’t know if you realize how you’ve been treating me.

I don’t know if you have any idea or not, but 70% of what you say to me is in a mean/cool tone. I don’t know if it’s intentional or not. The way you talk to me is wearing on me. Anytime I get upset or cry, you can’t deal with it and, probably without realizing it, get snotty, or tell me to get over it. You don’t seem to be able to handle any moods that I have, and so for the last 9 months
or so I’ve tried not to have any. Until recently I haven’t even cried in front of you. I’ve just pushed everything down, tip-toeing around you so I didn’t upset you, or make you sad.

Everyday when I get an e-mail from you it’s like nothing in our home life has happened. It’s like old Brooke and Alan and it makes me happy and hopeful. But when I get home from work everynight, it’s home Brooke and Alan who have to face the reality of what’s going on. I am atproud of the fact that we can keep things hidden from Connor, but I don’t know how much longer we can do that before he starts to pick up on it. I also know I shouldn't look forward to leaving the house more than I look forward to coming home.

I know you are taking steps to get help. That means a lot to me. But I don’t know if you realize how mean and selfish you have become. You are not mean or selfish to Connor or anyone else that I can see. You do sometimes get a little short with others, but I seem to get the brunt of it. It’s really important to me that you file that away and try to work on it.

As far as my body image goes, how I feel is partly your fault. I am very self-conscious now about my post c-section body. Hearing you tell me I needed to lose weight a few months ago has notleft me. When it’s the last thing I’ve heard you say about my body - It stays with me. I never hear compliments anymore. Maybe I should just assume it, but with how things have been, how can I? So yes, for that I do partly blame you.

You don’t seem sorry for anything that has happened. For how you treat me. This is me being selfish, but I want you to be effing remorseful. It’s like you don’t have the capacity to be sorry. Maybe you don’t. Maybe once you’re better you’ll see and then it will hit. I just want you to be sorry and to mean it. Not to just be mean.

I do love you. I miss us. We haven’t even had the chance to be a happy family yet. I’m not blaming you for that. I suppose I blame you for waiting so long to get help when I asked you for months and months to do it. I’m sad and sorry and angry for the wasted time.

I’m sorry I haven’t known how to handle the situation and I’ve used any discussions we’ve had to vent my frustrations. I’m sorry I don’t have anyone to talk to about it and when it comes up I choose to dump it on you. I think we can both agree that the situation hasn’t been handled right by either one of us.

I think we can come out on top of this. I hope that we can. I worry that you won’t like your therapist and quit going and say you tried and leave it at that. You can’t do that. You have to find someone else if that’s the case. I can’t keep living like this....and I won’t. As long as you are seeking help, I can work with you, work through this. But if you give up, I can’t do it. I don’t want
to give up. I don’t want to leave. But being talked down to and lashed out at is not how I’m going to live. I’m not going to subject our son to it either.

I’m not asking for everything to be fixed right now. I’m just asking you to please keep my feelings in mind when you talk coldly to me, know that I have feelings to and I’m just trying to help, butI’m running out of ways to try.

A new day

This morning my husband agreed to go into counseling. I'm going to go ahead and make myself an appointment too. It can't hurt for us both to go into counseling I suppose. I'll be making the calls tomorrow. I initially canceled my appointment because my husband has lost hours due to the economy. But, we're trumping money right now. We have to meet a mental health deductible before our insuance kicks in, but we need to do this for us. Besides, that's what payment plans are for :)

What the fuck?

Yeah, another "infamous" talk went down tonight. Apparently I'm not the only one to blame for our marital problems. I'm not perfect. At all. Never claimed to be. Is my fuse shorter since having a baby? You bet. Do I have less time for bullshit and hand holding? You bet. I would never claim that I am fault free in our marital problems. But he fucking refuses to admit that the depression is any issue, and that I just want to change him and want a "stepford" husband. He's also now made me feel like I cannot say anything negatively at all. Like I'm supposed to forget the fact that he said horrible shit to me a few months ago, that I don't know what mood I'm going to get. Apparently I need to just suck it up and face my responsibilities for the problem in the marriage. Is this depression? How much thicker can my skin get? How much more shit am I supposed to listen too? I supposed on the plus side after suggesting it for months he has agreed to go to marriage counseling. Not individual counseling mind you. God forbid we work on our depression issues. And, I'm angry about that now too. Not because he's agreed to do it, but because after suggesting it for months he's finally come around. Um, DUH, why the fuck did you think I suggested it months ago. Now we've just been fucking wasting time. I am so fucking furious and angry and again, have no one to talk to, and can't yell at him because well, he's depressed and he wants to know who's fault that is. I tried to explain it's no one's fault. It happens. It's brain chemistry. Not good enough. What the fuck am I supposed to do? He already has trust issues with counselors/therapists,etc. I can only imagine what will happen when he doesn't agree with what they have to say. I don't want may marriage to be over. I don't want my family to break up. I don't want to hold on to the hurt and anger I have been holding on to for months. I'm really starting to not like being home. Is this how marriage is? Am I just learning this after six years? I know it can't all be smooth sailing, but come on. Or is this just what living with someone with depression is?

You'd be better off without me

This is what my husband told me he has thought. That our son and I would be better if we got divorced. I don't want to be divorced. Not because I don't want to be divorced, but because I love my husband. I want us to be a family. The family I know we can be. At the same time, I can't let this behavior go on for years. He has to change it. Because I don't want to wake up one day at 55 and realize my husband is still the depressed man he was at 32. I deserve to be happy too.

We talked quite a bit last night. I *think* he's ready to talk to someone. We just need to make the appointment. I'm hoping to make that step by the end of the week. I was pretty candid with him last night and told him what the last year has been. How I've walked on egg shells, how I've gagued what I was going to say based on his mood, how I tried ignoring it, dealing with it, hiding it, facing it and none of it is working. Granted, he still is better since he's off the meds, but now he just needs to get the shit off his chest. I told him we have 1 good day and then 2 bad days in its place. I asked him what he wanted. He said he wants "us" back. I do to. I hope he takes the steps to fix that.

Lonely

That's how I feel. Lonely and married to a stranger. Maybe not a stranger, maybe some guy I used to know. I don't know. I'm sad. Sad about where my marriage is right now. There is no us. There's him and our son, and me and our son, and us with our son, but there's no us. I keep thinking, hoping that one day I'll come home and it'll be the guy I married and he'll stay. Right now sometimes the guy I married is around. The other times its our son's dad feeding him dinner. I feel alone and sad. I don't want to be dragged into the pit of despair and depression. I can't go there. I just want him to snap the fuck out of it already. I thought he was doing well. Doing better since he weaned off his medicine. Turns out he's just been holding shit in. And everyday I feel a little more lonely, a little more sad and I'm running out of ways to hide it and fix it. I love him like I did the day I married him. I'm just not sure who I'm married to anymore. I miss him.

One step up and two steps back..

I was really torn on what to title this entry. I thought about "Stabilization," but I'm not sure that's appropriate.

My husband had his appointment with the doctor this past week. She basically told him that she can either a) give him meds or b) he could do talk therapy, which is what she recommended. He's going to think about it. He says he's not afraid to talk to someone. He's also currently weaning off his Effexxor. Today is the first day with no meds of any kind. It was kind of a rough day. He stayed to himself, so I basically did it all today.

I also cancelled my therapist appointment. 1) I don't feel angry anymore. I'm angry that he's depressed, but I'm not angry at him. There is a division there. 2) He might be losing hours at work, and if anyone needs treatment, it's him.

I'm just so tired of the depression. He has really good days, and it's like things were before and I relax and enjoy his company, but then it can change a few days later. I know he's trying hard. I know that. But I just don't' know that he knows how frustrating this is. But, we're plugging along. I told him tonight I cannot do the venom again. I can't do it. He said that wasn't him (which I knew, but didn't make it any easier to hear/deal with).

I apologize for the disjointedness of this entry. 1) I'm tired and 2) I'm blogging and listening to the ipod. A dangerous combo.

Anger

I am trying really hard not to be angry. I'm not angry that he's depressed. He has no control over that. I am angry about the things he's said. How can my husband say such things? I'm trying to realize it's not really my husband, but it's ridiculously hard to do.

His appointment did get moved up to March 11. I'm thrilled about that. It's a light at the end of the tunnel at least.

He went out of town this weekend. Well, from Saturday morning to Sunday. It's actually been kind of nice. What kind of thing is that to say? I don't know if I have issues of guilt with the way I feel or not.

I can say this though - I'm calling the doctor's office tomorrow to find out what spouse's of the depressed can say, do, how to treat the situation, how not to give in to the anger, etc. If they suggest I come in - I will.

I was talking to my mom about it and told her I was angry. She had some enlightening words - If the depression doesn't ruin your marriage - your anger will. I don't want to hold on to that anger for the rest of our marriage.

I was so naive to think that since we had been married for 6 years and together for ten that we were solid, good to go, had no problems, etc. Um, yeah, we didn't have a baby in the mix then either. I'm not saying our son made him depressed. He's been depressed since his mother died at 15. It just catapulted the depression. Irony of ironies - my mom had her massive depressive episode at 32 - the same age Alan is now.

My birthday is Wednesday. We don't do birthdays. I went and bought myself an ipod. I try to get myself something for my birthday. I want to start a running program. I think it would be cathartic.

How?

How am I supposed to forget the things that were said?
How am I supposed to move on and pretend it wasn't said?
How can things get back to normal?

Big progress today: An appointment has been made with a therapist who does talk therapy and med management. The appointment is in 3 weeks. It seems like a lifetime away.

Venom

It is the only way I can describe what went down in my house tonight. I am so shocked, saddened and embarrassed by it I won't put the details even here anonymously. The "nicest" of the hurtful things I heard this evening is how I could stand to lose some weight. Really? After having a c-section a year ago I wasn't aware of that. I thought I still had the body of an 18 year old. Not a 32 year-old nursing mother who had a c-section. The husband I know would never EVER say such a thing.

After that dust settled from that nightmare few hours - the switch was flipped again. Now he's crying, sorry, scared, lonely sad an angry.

Admittedly, I did not react well to the hurtful stuff. It was stuff no one should ever have to hear from their spouse. I'm embarrassed by it. If he wasn't depressed I'd leave his ass for saying it.

I did tell him that I could not continue to be the whipping post for his anger, sadness, etc. Maybe it wasn't the appropriate response, but if I have to keep listening to that - I won't make it.

On the plus side (?) he has agreed to let me go to his doctor appointment with him next week. He's having difficulty retaining information, remembering things, etc.

It's been an emotionally draining night to say the least.

Failure to understand

Ever try to wrap your head around something that you just do not understand? That’s what I’m trying to do right now. I’m trying to figure out how my husband is thinking while in the midst of this depression.

It has been going on to some varying degree since last June. It recently has hit bottom though. He is in a deep, dark bottom. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say, what I’m supposed to feel, how I’m supposed to act.

My mother was depressed growing up. So much so she could not get out of bed to care for us. It was all on my dad. I try to think that I have some knowledge of how to cope. Yeah it’s way different doing it at 9 and doing it at (almost) 32 with your spouse, while working full-time, taking care of the house and your child, and trying not to get sucked in to the undertow.

He’s been at his lowest, darkest point for 3 days now. It’s already shifted the dynamic of our marriage. I feel like I have to take it all on myself. I have to do it all. Talking to someone about it feels like a major betrayal. But at the same time, I need to talk to someone. I’m considering seeking counseling. I feel like no one understands, that I need to put on a show. I feel angry, hurt, resentful and isolated. I try to remember it’s the depression talking, not my husband, but it’s hard to remember that when the words are leaving his mouth. I’m having trouble differentiating the two.

I feel no one understands what it’s like to live with a severely depressed spouse and the toll it can take. It’s frustrating because you can’t just tell him to “snap the hell out of it.”

On the plus side last night - he did tell me that he wants to get better. So I think that is a good thing.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do as far as sex either. He still wants it, so that’s good I guess, but my feelings are hurt from what he said the other day to some degree. I don’t want to close off that door though because it’s I want to keep some connection open. I just don’t know.....

The aftermath

Today was the aftermath of the "I'm not in love with you anymore" conversation.

We talked this morning. I told him my feelings were hurt. I know it's not about me right now. I know that. I should be able to table my feelings, but I can't. I am no longer angry about it now.

My husband is massively depressed. So much so that taking a shower is a major effort. He has to be "on" at work. He feels no one loves him or cares about him. He feels his family has abandoned him. (In some respects there I think he's right).

He didn't remember saying he wasn't in love with me anymore. When I mentioned "divorce" he went into the bathroom and threw up.

He wants to be happy. It's the first time I've heard him say that. I want to help him do that.

The thought of my marriage ended left me so utterly nauseous I couldn't stand it. I asked him if he wanted to go to marriage counseling. He said no - that it wasn't us - it was him. I'm trying to understand that.

I know he thinks he's weak. But, the fact that he's willing to talk about it and, more importantly, seek help for it - shows me he's actually quite strong.

The Beginning

I'm not even really sure where to begin or how I feel. I know that I feel like I have no one to talk to. That the one person that I would talk to about all of this - is severely depressed.

I realized late last spring, early summer that my husband of 6 years was depressed. He went to the doctor, tried a few prescriptions, and seemed to have moderate success....or else he was just lying about feeling better.

I'm not stranger to depression. I had a bought of it myself right after we got married. I grew up with a mother who had such depressive issues that she couldn't get out of bed to take care of her family. I know what it can do. I just didn't realize how lonely it would be on the other side.

Things have been getting worse. I'm happy to report that my husband does have a doctor's appointment scheduled for the 26th of this month and I hope it will be the beginning of getting things turned around. In the meantime - I need a place to get my thoughts out - my feelings.

Irony of ironies - it's Valentine's Day today. We don't do V-day. Don't see the point. This one though - I won't soon forget.

I woke up this morning with our son at 7 and we did our morning routine stuff. Once my husband got up, he had some coffee and after a bit we talked.

He doesn't feel his medicine is working anymore and he needs something new. Completely fine - I understand that. Not every medicine works for every person - why else would they make 140,000 of them? My mom has taken her fair share as well, so I know they either quit working - or don't agree with you.

Anyway - he wants to wean off of his medication. I completely supported that. Then we continue talking -

Him: I need you to not take this the wrong way or take it personally.
Me: Okay
Him: Our son is the only thing that makes me happy right now.
Me: Okay. I mean what am I going to say? Am I going to yell at him for feeling this way while he's depressed?
Him: I want you to know that I do love you.
Me: But - because I can sense there is a but there.
Him: No but.
Me: However - because this seems to cushion the but blow

I'm not really sure how the rest of this part plays out - he tells me that he's not coping well and sometimes needs to escape or something. I ask him if he wants a separation - he said he's thought about it to escape. He knows this isn't what he wants, but feels his depression and meds are making him irrational.

Wow. What a lot to digest before a second cup of coffee. Okay - my husband is basically miserable. Awesome. So - then I just have to poke the beast -

Me: Are you in love with me?
Him: Not right now.

Wow. Just wow. What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? How am I supposed to not take that personally? Am I supposed to just understand that this is part of depression? Am I supposed to just continue like everything is fine? My feelings ARE hurt. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, what I'm supposed to feel or what I'm supposed to say. I know his depression isn't supposed to be about me, but I'm not going to stand idly by either.

He is going to get help. I believe he is also going to seek counseling - gotta jump through the insurance hoops first.

But wow - being on this side - just effing sucks.