The Beginning

I'm not even really sure where to begin or how I feel. I know that I feel like I have no one to talk to. That the one person that I would talk to about all of this - is severely depressed.

I realized late last spring, early summer that my husband of 6 years was depressed. He went to the doctor, tried a few prescriptions, and seemed to have moderate success....or else he was just lying about feeling better.

I'm not stranger to depression. I had a bought of it myself right after we got married. I grew up with a mother who had such depressive issues that she couldn't get out of bed to take care of her family. I know what it can do. I just didn't realize how lonely it would be on the other side.

Things have been getting worse. I'm happy to report that my husband does have a doctor's appointment scheduled for the 26th of this month and I hope it will be the beginning of getting things turned around. In the meantime - I need a place to get my thoughts out - my feelings.

Irony of ironies - it's Valentine's Day today. We don't do V-day. Don't see the point. This one though - I won't soon forget.

I woke up this morning with our son at 7 and we did our morning routine stuff. Once my husband got up, he had some coffee and after a bit we talked.

He doesn't feel his medicine is working anymore and he needs something new. Completely fine - I understand that. Not every medicine works for every person - why else would they make 140,000 of them? My mom has taken her fair share as well, so I know they either quit working - or don't agree with you.

Anyway - he wants to wean off of his medication. I completely supported that. Then we continue talking -

Him: I need you to not take this the wrong way or take it personally.
Me: Okay
Him: Our son is the only thing that makes me happy right now.
Me: Okay. I mean what am I going to say? Am I going to yell at him for feeling this way while he's depressed?
Him: I want you to know that I do love you.
Me: But - because I can sense there is a but there.
Him: No but.
Me: However - because this seems to cushion the but blow

I'm not really sure how the rest of this part plays out - he tells me that he's not coping well and sometimes needs to escape or something. I ask him if he wants a separation - he said he's thought about it to escape. He knows this isn't what he wants, but feels his depression and meds are making him irrational.

Wow. What a lot to digest before a second cup of coffee. Okay - my husband is basically miserable. Awesome. So - then I just have to poke the beast -

Me: Are you in love with me?
Him: Not right now.

Wow. Just wow. What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? How am I supposed to not take that personally? Am I supposed to just understand that this is part of depression? Am I supposed to just continue like everything is fine? My feelings ARE hurt. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, what I'm supposed to feel or what I'm supposed to say. I know his depression isn't supposed to be about me, but I'm not going to stand idly by either.

He is going to get help. I believe he is also going to seek counseling - gotta jump through the insurance hoops first.

But wow - being on this side - just effing sucks.