A new day

This morning my husband agreed to go into counseling. I'm going to go ahead and make myself an appointment too. It can't hurt for us both to go into counseling I suppose. I'll be making the calls tomorrow. I initially canceled my appointment because my husband has lost hours due to the economy. But, we're trumping money right now. We have to meet a mental health deductible before our insuance kicks in, but we need to do this for us. Besides, that's what payment plans are for :)

What the fuck?

Yeah, another "infamous" talk went down tonight. Apparently I'm not the only one to blame for our marital problems. I'm not perfect. At all. Never claimed to be. Is my fuse shorter since having a baby? You bet. Do I have less time for bullshit and hand holding? You bet. I would never claim that I am fault free in our marital problems. But he fucking refuses to admit that the depression is any issue, and that I just want to change him and want a "stepford" husband. He's also now made me feel like I cannot say anything negatively at all. Like I'm supposed to forget the fact that he said horrible shit to me a few months ago, that I don't know what mood I'm going to get. Apparently I need to just suck it up and face my responsibilities for the problem in the marriage. Is this depression? How much thicker can my skin get? How much more shit am I supposed to listen too? I supposed on the plus side after suggesting it for months he has agreed to go to marriage counseling. Not individual counseling mind you. God forbid we work on our depression issues. And, I'm angry about that now too. Not because he's agreed to do it, but because after suggesting it for months he's finally come around. Um, DUH, why the fuck did you think I suggested it months ago. Now we've just been fucking wasting time. I am so fucking furious and angry and again, have no one to talk to, and can't yell at him because well, he's depressed and he wants to know who's fault that is. I tried to explain it's no one's fault. It happens. It's brain chemistry. Not good enough. What the fuck am I supposed to do? He already has trust issues with counselors/therapists,etc. I can only imagine what will happen when he doesn't agree with what they have to say. I don't want may marriage to be over. I don't want my family to break up. I don't want to hold on to the hurt and anger I have been holding on to for months. I'm really starting to not like being home. Is this how marriage is? Am I just learning this after six years? I know it can't all be smooth sailing, but come on. Or is this just what living with someone with depression is?

You'd be better off without me

This is what my husband told me he has thought. That our son and I would be better if we got divorced. I don't want to be divorced. Not because I don't want to be divorced, but because I love my husband. I want us to be a family. The family I know we can be. At the same time, I can't let this behavior go on for years. He has to change it. Because I don't want to wake up one day at 55 and realize my husband is still the depressed man he was at 32. I deserve to be happy too.

We talked quite a bit last night. I *think* he's ready to talk to someone. We just need to make the appointment. I'm hoping to make that step by the end of the week. I was pretty candid with him last night and told him what the last year has been. How I've walked on egg shells, how I've gagued what I was going to say based on his mood, how I tried ignoring it, dealing with it, hiding it, facing it and none of it is working. Granted, he still is better since he's off the meds, but now he just needs to get the shit off his chest. I told him we have 1 good day and then 2 bad days in its place. I asked him what he wanted. He said he wants "us" back. I do to. I hope he takes the steps to fix that.

Lonely

That's how I feel. Lonely and married to a stranger. Maybe not a stranger, maybe some guy I used to know. I don't know. I'm sad. Sad about where my marriage is right now. There is no us. There's him and our son, and me and our son, and us with our son, but there's no us. I keep thinking, hoping that one day I'll come home and it'll be the guy I married and he'll stay. Right now sometimes the guy I married is around. The other times its our son's dad feeding him dinner. I feel alone and sad. I don't want to be dragged into the pit of despair and depression. I can't go there. I just want him to snap the fuck out of it already. I thought he was doing well. Doing better since he weaned off his medicine. Turns out he's just been holding shit in. And everyday I feel a little more lonely, a little more sad and I'm running out of ways to hide it and fix it. I love him like I did the day I married him. I'm just not sure who I'm married to anymore. I miss him.