I am trying really hard not to be angry. I'm not angry that he's depressed. He has no control over that. I am angry about the things he's said. How can my husband say such things? I'm trying to realize it's not really my husband, but it's ridiculously hard to do.
His appointment did get moved up to March 11. I'm thrilled about that. It's a light at the end of the tunnel at least.
He went out of town this weekend. Well, from Saturday morning to Sunday. It's actually been kind of nice. What kind of thing is that to say? I don't know if I have issues of guilt with the way I feel or not.
I can say this though - I'm calling the doctor's office tomorrow to find out what spouse's of the depressed can say, do, how to treat the situation, how not to give in to the anger, etc. If they suggest I come in - I will.
I was talking to my mom about it and told her I was angry. She had some enlightening words - If the depression doesn't ruin your marriage - your anger will. I don't want to hold on to that anger for the rest of our marriage.
I was so naive to think that since we had been married for 6 years and together for ten that we were solid, good to go, had no problems, etc. Um, yeah, we didn't have a baby in the mix then either. I'm not saying our son made him depressed. He's been depressed since his mother died at 15. It just catapulted the depression. Irony of ironies - my mom had her massive depressive episode at 32 - the same age Alan is now.
My birthday is Wednesday. We don't do birthdays. I went and bought myself an ipod. I try to get myself something for my birthday. I want to start a running program. I think it would be cathartic.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
How?
How am I supposed to forget the things that were said?
How am I supposed to move on and pretend it wasn't said?
How can things get back to normal?
Big progress today: An appointment has been made with a therapist who does talk therapy and med management. The appointment is in 3 weeks. It seems like a lifetime away.
How am I supposed to move on and pretend it wasn't said?
How can things get back to normal?
Big progress today: An appointment has been made with a therapist who does talk therapy and med management. The appointment is in 3 weeks. It seems like a lifetime away.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Venom
It is the only way I can describe what went down in my house tonight. I am so shocked, saddened and embarrassed by it I won't put the details even here anonymously. The "nicest" of the hurtful things I heard this evening is how I could stand to lose some weight. Really? After having a c-section a year ago I wasn't aware of that. I thought I still had the body of an 18 year old. Not a 32 year-old nursing mother who had a c-section. The husband I know would never EVER say such a thing.
After that dust settled from that nightmare few hours - the switch was flipped again. Now he's crying, sorry, scared, lonely sad an angry.
Admittedly, I did not react well to the hurtful stuff. It was stuff no one should ever have to hear from their spouse. I'm embarrassed by it. If he wasn't depressed I'd leave his ass for saying it.
I did tell him that I could not continue to be the whipping post for his anger, sadness, etc. Maybe it wasn't the appropriate response, but if I have to keep listening to that - I won't make it.
On the plus side (?) he has agreed to let me go to his doctor appointment with him next week. He's having difficulty retaining information, remembering things, etc.
It's been an emotionally draining night to say the least.
After that dust settled from that nightmare few hours - the switch was flipped again. Now he's crying, sorry, scared, lonely sad an angry.
Admittedly, I did not react well to the hurtful stuff. It was stuff no one should ever have to hear from their spouse. I'm embarrassed by it. If he wasn't depressed I'd leave his ass for saying it.
I did tell him that I could not continue to be the whipping post for his anger, sadness, etc. Maybe it wasn't the appropriate response, but if I have to keep listening to that - I won't make it.
On the plus side (?) he has agreed to let me go to his doctor appointment with him next week. He's having difficulty retaining information, remembering things, etc.
It's been an emotionally draining night to say the least.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Failure to understand
Ever try to wrap your head around something that you just do not understand? That’s what I’m trying to do right now. I’m trying to figure out how my husband is thinking while in the midst of this depression.
It has been going on to some varying degree since last June. It recently has hit bottom though. He is in a deep, dark bottom. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say, what I’m supposed to feel, how I’m supposed to act.
My mother was depressed growing up. So much so she could not get out of bed to care for us. It was all on my dad. I try to think that I have some knowledge of how to cope. Yeah it’s way different doing it at 9 and doing it at (almost) 32 with your spouse, while working full-time, taking care of the house and your child, and trying not to get sucked in to the undertow.
He’s been at his lowest, darkest point for 3 days now. It’s already shifted the dynamic of our marriage. I feel like I have to take it all on myself. I have to do it all. Talking to someone about it feels like a major betrayal. But at the same time, I need to talk to someone. I’m considering seeking counseling. I feel like no one understands, that I need to put on a show. I feel angry, hurt, resentful and isolated. I try to remember it’s the depression talking, not my husband, but it’s hard to remember that when the words are leaving his mouth. I’m having trouble differentiating the two.
I feel no one understands what it’s like to live with a severely depressed spouse and the toll it can take. It’s frustrating because you can’t just tell him to “snap the hell out of it.”
On the plus side last night - he did tell me that he wants to get better. So I think that is a good thing.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do as far as sex either. He still wants it, so that’s good I guess, but my feelings are hurt from what he said the other day to some degree. I don’t want to close off that door though because it’s I want to keep some connection open. I just don’t know.....
It has been going on to some varying degree since last June. It recently has hit bottom though. He is in a deep, dark bottom. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say, what I’m supposed to feel, how I’m supposed to act.
My mother was depressed growing up. So much so she could not get out of bed to care for us. It was all on my dad. I try to think that I have some knowledge of how to cope. Yeah it’s way different doing it at 9 and doing it at (almost) 32 with your spouse, while working full-time, taking care of the house and your child, and trying not to get sucked in to the undertow.
He’s been at his lowest, darkest point for 3 days now. It’s already shifted the dynamic of our marriage. I feel like I have to take it all on myself. I have to do it all. Talking to someone about it feels like a major betrayal. But at the same time, I need to talk to someone. I’m considering seeking counseling. I feel like no one understands, that I need to put on a show. I feel angry, hurt, resentful and isolated. I try to remember it’s the depression talking, not my husband, but it’s hard to remember that when the words are leaving his mouth. I’m having trouble differentiating the two.
I feel no one understands what it’s like to live with a severely depressed spouse and the toll it can take. It’s frustrating because you can’t just tell him to “snap the hell out of it.”
On the plus side last night - he did tell me that he wants to get better. So I think that is a good thing.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do as far as sex either. He still wants it, so that’s good I guess, but my feelings are hurt from what he said the other day to some degree. I don’t want to close off that door though because it’s I want to keep some connection open. I just don’t know.....
Sunday, February 15, 2009
The aftermath
Today was the aftermath of the "I'm not in love with you anymore" conversation.
We talked this morning. I told him my feelings were hurt. I know it's not about me right now. I know that. I should be able to table my feelings, but I can't. I am no longer angry about it now.
My husband is massively depressed. So much so that taking a shower is a major effort. He has to be "on" at work. He feels no one loves him or cares about him. He feels his family has abandoned him. (In some respects there I think he's right).
He didn't remember saying he wasn't in love with me anymore. When I mentioned "divorce" he went into the bathroom and threw up.
He wants to be happy. It's the first time I've heard him say that. I want to help him do that.
The thought of my marriage ended left me so utterly nauseous I couldn't stand it. I asked him if he wanted to go to marriage counseling. He said no - that it wasn't us - it was him. I'm trying to understand that.
I know he thinks he's weak. But, the fact that he's willing to talk about it and, more importantly, seek help for it - shows me he's actually quite strong.
We talked this morning. I told him my feelings were hurt. I know it's not about me right now. I know that. I should be able to table my feelings, but I can't. I am no longer angry about it now.
My husband is massively depressed. So much so that taking a shower is a major effort. He has to be "on" at work. He feels no one loves him or cares about him. He feels his family has abandoned him. (In some respects there I think he's right).
He didn't remember saying he wasn't in love with me anymore. When I mentioned "divorce" he went into the bathroom and threw up.
He wants to be happy. It's the first time I've heard him say that. I want to help him do that.
The thought of my marriage ended left me so utterly nauseous I couldn't stand it. I asked him if he wanted to go to marriage counseling. He said no - that it wasn't us - it was him. I'm trying to understand that.
I know he thinks he's weak. But, the fact that he's willing to talk about it and, more importantly, seek help for it - shows me he's actually quite strong.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
The Beginning
I'm not even really sure where to begin or how I feel. I know that I feel like I have no one to talk to. That the one person that I would talk to about all of this - is severely depressed.
I realized late last spring, early summer that my husband of 6 years was depressed. He went to the doctor, tried a few prescriptions, and seemed to have moderate success....or else he was just lying about feeling better.
I'm not stranger to depression. I had a bought of it myself right after we got married. I grew up with a mother who had such depressive issues that she couldn't get out of bed to take care of her family. I know what it can do. I just didn't realize how lonely it would be on the other side.
Things have been getting worse. I'm happy to report that my husband does have a doctor's appointment scheduled for the 26th of this month and I hope it will be the beginning of getting things turned around. In the meantime - I need a place to get my thoughts out - my feelings.
Irony of ironies - it's Valentine's Day today. We don't do V-day. Don't see the point. This one though - I won't soon forget.
I woke up this morning with our son at 7 and we did our morning routine stuff. Once my husband got up, he had some coffee and after a bit we talked.
He doesn't feel his medicine is working anymore and he needs something new. Completely fine - I understand that. Not every medicine works for every person - why else would they make 140,000 of them? My mom has taken her fair share as well, so I know they either quit working - or don't agree with you.
Anyway - he wants to wean off of his medication. I completely supported that. Then we continue talking -
Him: I need you to not take this the wrong way or take it personally.
Me: Okay
Him: Our son is the only thing that makes me happy right now.
Me: Okay. I mean what am I going to say? Am I going to yell at him for feeling this way while he's depressed?
Him: I want you to know that I do love you.
Me: But - because I can sense there is a but there.
Him: No but.
Me: However - because this seems to cushion the but blow
I'm not really sure how the rest of this part plays out - he tells me that he's not coping well and sometimes needs to escape or something. I ask him if he wants a separation - he said he's thought about it to escape. He knows this isn't what he wants, but feels his depression and meds are making him irrational.
Wow. What a lot to digest before a second cup of coffee. Okay - my husband is basically miserable. Awesome. So - then I just have to poke the beast -
Me: Are you in love with me?
Him: Not right now.
Wow. Just wow. What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? How am I supposed to not take that personally? Am I supposed to just understand that this is part of depression? Am I supposed to just continue like everything is fine? My feelings ARE hurt. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, what I'm supposed to feel or what I'm supposed to say. I know his depression isn't supposed to be about me, but I'm not going to stand idly by either.
He is going to get help. I believe he is also going to seek counseling - gotta jump through the insurance hoops first.
But wow - being on this side - just effing sucks.
I realized late last spring, early summer that my husband of 6 years was depressed. He went to the doctor, tried a few prescriptions, and seemed to have moderate success....or else he was just lying about feeling better.
I'm not stranger to depression. I had a bought of it myself right after we got married. I grew up with a mother who had such depressive issues that she couldn't get out of bed to take care of her family. I know what it can do. I just didn't realize how lonely it would be on the other side.
Things have been getting worse. I'm happy to report that my husband does have a doctor's appointment scheduled for the 26th of this month and I hope it will be the beginning of getting things turned around. In the meantime - I need a place to get my thoughts out - my feelings.
Irony of ironies - it's Valentine's Day today. We don't do V-day. Don't see the point. This one though - I won't soon forget.
I woke up this morning with our son at 7 and we did our morning routine stuff. Once my husband got up, he had some coffee and after a bit we talked.
He doesn't feel his medicine is working anymore and he needs something new. Completely fine - I understand that. Not every medicine works for every person - why else would they make 140,000 of them? My mom has taken her fair share as well, so I know they either quit working - or don't agree with you.
Anyway - he wants to wean off of his medication. I completely supported that. Then we continue talking -
Him: I need you to not take this the wrong way or take it personally.
Me: Okay
Him: Our son is the only thing that makes me happy right now.
Me: Okay. I mean what am I going to say? Am I going to yell at him for feeling this way while he's depressed?
Him: I want you to know that I do love you.
Me: But - because I can sense there is a but there.
Him: No but.
Me: However - because this seems to cushion the but blow
I'm not really sure how the rest of this part plays out - he tells me that he's not coping well and sometimes needs to escape or something. I ask him if he wants a separation - he said he's thought about it to escape. He knows this isn't what he wants, but feels his depression and meds are making him irrational.
Wow. What a lot to digest before a second cup of coffee. Okay - my husband is basically miserable. Awesome. So - then I just have to poke the beast -
Me: Are you in love with me?
Him: Not right now.
Wow. Just wow. What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? How am I supposed to not take that personally? Am I supposed to just understand that this is part of depression? Am I supposed to just continue like everything is fine? My feelings ARE hurt. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, what I'm supposed to feel or what I'm supposed to say. I know his depression isn't supposed to be about me, but I'm not going to stand idly by either.
He is going to get help. I believe he is also going to seek counseling - gotta jump through the insurance hoops first.
But wow - being on this side - just effing sucks.
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