Failure to understand

Ever try to wrap your head around something that you just do not understand? That’s what I’m trying to do right now. I’m trying to figure out how my husband is thinking while in the midst of this depression.

It has been going on to some varying degree since last June. It recently has hit bottom though. He is in a deep, dark bottom. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say, what I’m supposed to feel, how I’m supposed to act.

My mother was depressed growing up. So much so she could not get out of bed to care for us. It was all on my dad. I try to think that I have some knowledge of how to cope. Yeah it’s way different doing it at 9 and doing it at (almost) 32 with your spouse, while working full-time, taking care of the house and your child, and trying not to get sucked in to the undertow.

He’s been at his lowest, darkest point for 3 days now. It’s already shifted the dynamic of our marriage. I feel like I have to take it all on myself. I have to do it all. Talking to someone about it feels like a major betrayal. But at the same time, I need to talk to someone. I’m considering seeking counseling. I feel like no one understands, that I need to put on a show. I feel angry, hurt, resentful and isolated. I try to remember it’s the depression talking, not my husband, but it’s hard to remember that when the words are leaving his mouth. I’m having trouble differentiating the two.

I feel no one understands what it’s like to live with a severely depressed spouse and the toll it can take. It’s frustrating because you can’t just tell him to “snap the hell out of it.”

On the plus side last night - he did tell me that he wants to get better. So I think that is a good thing.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do as far as sex either. He still wants it, so that’s good I guess, but my feelings are hurt from what he said the other day to some degree. I don’t want to close off that door though because it’s I want to keep some connection open. I just don’t know.....