Anger

I am trying really hard not to be angry. I'm not angry that he's depressed. He has no control over that. I am angry about the things he's said. How can my husband say such things? I'm trying to realize it's not really my husband, but it's ridiculously hard to do.

His appointment did get moved up to March 11. I'm thrilled about that. It's a light at the end of the tunnel at least.

He went out of town this weekend. Well, from Saturday morning to Sunday. It's actually been kind of nice. What kind of thing is that to say? I don't know if I have issues of guilt with the way I feel or not.

I can say this though - I'm calling the doctor's office tomorrow to find out what spouse's of the depressed can say, do, how to treat the situation, how not to give in to the anger, etc. If they suggest I come in - I will.

I was talking to my mom about it and told her I was angry. She had some enlightening words - If the depression doesn't ruin your marriage - your anger will. I don't want to hold on to that anger for the rest of our marriage.

I was so naive to think that since we had been married for 6 years and together for ten that we were solid, good to go, had no problems, etc. Um, yeah, we didn't have a baby in the mix then either. I'm not saying our son made him depressed. He's been depressed since his mother died at 15. It just catapulted the depression. Irony of ironies - my mom had her massive depressive episode at 32 - the same age Alan is now.

My birthday is Wednesday. We don't do birthdays. I went and bought myself an ipod. I try to get myself something for my birthday. I want to start a running program. I think it would be cathartic.