A letter to my husband (that won't be sent)

I don’t know if writing a letter is silly or not. Sometimes I think it’s a better way to communicate so there can be no question about tone. I don’t know if it’s okay to tell you how the last few months have affected me. Is it fair? Do you even have the capacity to care right now? Do you even realize?

And before you even think it, I’m not blaming you for everything. At all. I know I haven’t handled everything in the right way. But I don’t know if you realize how you’ve been treating me.

I don’t know if you have any idea or not, but 70% of what you say to me is in a mean/cool tone. I don’t know if it’s intentional or not. The way you talk to me is wearing on me. Anytime I get upset or cry, you can’t deal with it and, probably without realizing it, get snotty, or tell me to get over it. You don’t seem to be able to handle any moods that I have, and so for the last 9 months
or so I’ve tried not to have any. Until recently I haven’t even cried in front of you. I’ve just pushed everything down, tip-toeing around you so I didn’t upset you, or make you sad.

Everyday when I get an e-mail from you it’s like nothing in our home life has happened. It’s like old Brooke and Alan and it makes me happy and hopeful. But when I get home from work everynight, it’s home Brooke and Alan who have to face the reality of what’s going on. I am atproud of the fact that we can keep things hidden from Connor, but I don’t know how much longer we can do that before he starts to pick up on it. I also know I shouldn't look forward to leaving the house more than I look forward to coming home.

I know you are taking steps to get help. That means a lot to me. But I don’t know if you realize how mean and selfish you have become. You are not mean or selfish to Connor or anyone else that I can see. You do sometimes get a little short with others, but I seem to get the brunt of it. It’s really important to me that you file that away and try to work on it.

As far as my body image goes, how I feel is partly your fault. I am very self-conscious now about my post c-section body. Hearing you tell me I needed to lose weight a few months ago has notleft me. When it’s the last thing I’ve heard you say about my body - It stays with me. I never hear compliments anymore. Maybe I should just assume it, but with how things have been, how can I? So yes, for that I do partly blame you.

You don’t seem sorry for anything that has happened. For how you treat me. This is me being selfish, but I want you to be effing remorseful. It’s like you don’t have the capacity to be sorry. Maybe you don’t. Maybe once you’re better you’ll see and then it will hit. I just want you to be sorry and to mean it. Not to just be mean.

I do love you. I miss us. We haven’t even had the chance to be a happy family yet. I’m not blaming you for that. I suppose I blame you for waiting so long to get help when I asked you for months and months to do it. I’m sad and sorry and angry for the wasted time.

I’m sorry I haven’t known how to handle the situation and I’ve used any discussions we’ve had to vent my frustrations. I’m sorry I don’t have anyone to talk to about it and when it comes up I choose to dump it on you. I think we can both agree that the situation hasn’t been handled right by either one of us.

I think we can come out on top of this. I hope that we can. I worry that you won’t like your therapist and quit going and say you tried and leave it at that. You can’t do that. You have to find someone else if that’s the case. I can’t keep living like this....and I won’t. As long as you are seeking help, I can work with you, work through this. But if you give up, I can’t do it. I don’t want
to give up. I don’t want to leave. But being talked down to and lashed out at is not how I’m going to live. I’m not going to subject our son to it either.

I’m not asking for everything to be fixed right now. I’m just asking you to please keep my feelings in mind when you talk coldly to me, know that I have feelings to and I’m just trying to help, butI’m running out of ways to try.