Peace, Love and Happiness

Quite a change eh?

The last few months have brought a change in our relationship. We both started counseling (granted, I only went twice, but I feel okay with that) and he is continuing counseling. We enjoy each other's company now, we enjoy spending time together, we laugh. We quit fighting. The one thing I learned in therapy was that what we experienced with the addition of a child and the change in relationship - every relationship goes through it. It's not just us. It's just that not everyone talks about it. I took some comfort in that.

My husband is working out his issues. He says sometimes it's tough and he doesn't want to answer the questions he's asked, but it's also helping him put the past behind him and move to the future. I'm so proud of him for stepping up and doing what needed to be done to save us, him and our marriage.

I'm hopeful for our future and for us. I'm glad I never gave up on us. So hopefully with this entry - I'm done with this blog.

A letter to my husband (that won't be sent)

I don’t know if writing a letter is silly or not. Sometimes I think it’s a better way to communicate so there can be no question about tone. I don’t know if it’s okay to tell you how the last few months have affected me. Is it fair? Do you even have the capacity to care right now? Do you even realize?

And before you even think it, I’m not blaming you for everything. At all. I know I haven’t handled everything in the right way. But I don’t know if you realize how you’ve been treating me.

I don’t know if you have any idea or not, but 70% of what you say to me is in a mean/cool tone. I don’t know if it’s intentional or not. The way you talk to me is wearing on me. Anytime I get upset or cry, you can’t deal with it and, probably without realizing it, get snotty, or tell me to get over it. You don’t seem to be able to handle any moods that I have, and so for the last 9 months
or so I’ve tried not to have any. Until recently I haven’t even cried in front of you. I’ve just pushed everything down, tip-toeing around you so I didn’t upset you, or make you sad.

Everyday when I get an e-mail from you it’s like nothing in our home life has happened. It’s like old Brooke and Alan and it makes me happy and hopeful. But when I get home from work everynight, it’s home Brooke and Alan who have to face the reality of what’s going on. I am atproud of the fact that we can keep things hidden from Connor, but I don’t know how much longer we can do that before he starts to pick up on it. I also know I shouldn't look forward to leaving the house more than I look forward to coming home.

I know you are taking steps to get help. That means a lot to me. But I don’t know if you realize how mean and selfish you have become. You are not mean or selfish to Connor or anyone else that I can see. You do sometimes get a little short with others, but I seem to get the brunt of it. It’s really important to me that you file that away and try to work on it.

As far as my body image goes, how I feel is partly your fault. I am very self-conscious now about my post c-section body. Hearing you tell me I needed to lose weight a few months ago has notleft me. When it’s the last thing I’ve heard you say about my body - It stays with me. I never hear compliments anymore. Maybe I should just assume it, but with how things have been, how can I? So yes, for that I do partly blame you.

You don’t seem sorry for anything that has happened. For how you treat me. This is me being selfish, but I want you to be effing remorseful. It’s like you don’t have the capacity to be sorry. Maybe you don’t. Maybe once you’re better you’ll see and then it will hit. I just want you to be sorry and to mean it. Not to just be mean.

I do love you. I miss us. We haven’t even had the chance to be a happy family yet. I’m not blaming you for that. I suppose I blame you for waiting so long to get help when I asked you for months and months to do it. I’m sad and sorry and angry for the wasted time.

I’m sorry I haven’t known how to handle the situation and I’ve used any discussions we’ve had to vent my frustrations. I’m sorry I don’t have anyone to talk to about it and when it comes up I choose to dump it on you. I think we can both agree that the situation hasn’t been handled right by either one of us.

I think we can come out on top of this. I hope that we can. I worry that you won’t like your therapist and quit going and say you tried and leave it at that. You can’t do that. You have to find someone else if that’s the case. I can’t keep living like this....and I won’t. As long as you are seeking help, I can work with you, work through this. But if you give up, I can’t do it. I don’t want
to give up. I don’t want to leave. But being talked down to and lashed out at is not how I’m going to live. I’m not going to subject our son to it either.

I’m not asking for everything to be fixed right now. I’m just asking you to please keep my feelings in mind when you talk coldly to me, know that I have feelings to and I’m just trying to help, butI’m running out of ways to try.

A new day

This morning my husband agreed to go into counseling. I'm going to go ahead and make myself an appointment too. It can't hurt for us both to go into counseling I suppose. I'll be making the calls tomorrow. I initially canceled my appointment because my husband has lost hours due to the economy. But, we're trumping money right now. We have to meet a mental health deductible before our insuance kicks in, but we need to do this for us. Besides, that's what payment plans are for :)

What the fuck?

Yeah, another "infamous" talk went down tonight. Apparently I'm not the only one to blame for our marital problems. I'm not perfect. At all. Never claimed to be. Is my fuse shorter since having a baby? You bet. Do I have less time for bullshit and hand holding? You bet. I would never claim that I am fault free in our marital problems. But he fucking refuses to admit that the depression is any issue, and that I just want to change him and want a "stepford" husband. He's also now made me feel like I cannot say anything negatively at all. Like I'm supposed to forget the fact that he said horrible shit to me a few months ago, that I don't know what mood I'm going to get. Apparently I need to just suck it up and face my responsibilities for the problem in the marriage. Is this depression? How much thicker can my skin get? How much more shit am I supposed to listen too? I supposed on the plus side after suggesting it for months he has agreed to go to marriage counseling. Not individual counseling mind you. God forbid we work on our depression issues. And, I'm angry about that now too. Not because he's agreed to do it, but because after suggesting it for months he's finally come around. Um, DUH, why the fuck did you think I suggested it months ago. Now we've just been fucking wasting time. I am so fucking furious and angry and again, have no one to talk to, and can't yell at him because well, he's depressed and he wants to know who's fault that is. I tried to explain it's no one's fault. It happens. It's brain chemistry. Not good enough. What the fuck am I supposed to do? He already has trust issues with counselors/therapists,etc. I can only imagine what will happen when he doesn't agree with what they have to say. I don't want may marriage to be over. I don't want my family to break up. I don't want to hold on to the hurt and anger I have been holding on to for months. I'm really starting to not like being home. Is this how marriage is? Am I just learning this after six years? I know it can't all be smooth sailing, but come on. Or is this just what living with someone with depression is?

You'd be better off without me

This is what my husband told me he has thought. That our son and I would be better if we got divorced. I don't want to be divorced. Not because I don't want to be divorced, but because I love my husband. I want us to be a family. The family I know we can be. At the same time, I can't let this behavior go on for years. He has to change it. Because I don't want to wake up one day at 55 and realize my husband is still the depressed man he was at 32. I deserve to be happy too.

We talked quite a bit last night. I *think* he's ready to talk to someone. We just need to make the appointment. I'm hoping to make that step by the end of the week. I was pretty candid with him last night and told him what the last year has been. How I've walked on egg shells, how I've gagued what I was going to say based on his mood, how I tried ignoring it, dealing with it, hiding it, facing it and none of it is working. Granted, he still is better since he's off the meds, but now he just needs to get the shit off his chest. I told him we have 1 good day and then 2 bad days in its place. I asked him what he wanted. He said he wants "us" back. I do to. I hope he takes the steps to fix that.

Lonely

That's how I feel. Lonely and married to a stranger. Maybe not a stranger, maybe some guy I used to know. I don't know. I'm sad. Sad about where my marriage is right now. There is no us. There's him and our son, and me and our son, and us with our son, but there's no us. I keep thinking, hoping that one day I'll come home and it'll be the guy I married and he'll stay. Right now sometimes the guy I married is around. The other times its our son's dad feeding him dinner. I feel alone and sad. I don't want to be dragged into the pit of despair and depression. I can't go there. I just want him to snap the fuck out of it already. I thought he was doing well. Doing better since he weaned off his medicine. Turns out he's just been holding shit in. And everyday I feel a little more lonely, a little more sad and I'm running out of ways to hide it and fix it. I love him like I did the day I married him. I'm just not sure who I'm married to anymore. I miss him.

One step up and two steps back..

I was really torn on what to title this entry. I thought about "Stabilization," but I'm not sure that's appropriate.

My husband had his appointment with the doctor this past week. She basically told him that she can either a) give him meds or b) he could do talk therapy, which is what she recommended. He's going to think about it. He says he's not afraid to talk to someone. He's also currently weaning off his Effexxor. Today is the first day with no meds of any kind. It was kind of a rough day. He stayed to himself, so I basically did it all today.

I also cancelled my therapist appointment. 1) I don't feel angry anymore. I'm angry that he's depressed, but I'm not angry at him. There is a division there. 2) He might be losing hours at work, and if anyone needs treatment, it's him.

I'm just so tired of the depression. He has really good days, and it's like things were before and I relax and enjoy his company, but then it can change a few days later. I know he's trying hard. I know that. But I just don't' know that he knows how frustrating this is. But, we're plugging along. I told him tonight I cannot do the venom again. I can't do it. He said that wasn't him (which I knew, but didn't make it any easier to hear/deal with).

I apologize for the disjointedness of this entry. 1) I'm tired and 2) I'm blogging and listening to the ipod. A dangerous combo.